Donald Trump is ignoring the real issues and holding a pep rally just because he needs an ego boost

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When a bumbling toddler bumps into a wall, it shakes his confidence. After all, it can be kind of sore, and the emotional shock of it is almost too much to bear – and so you’ve got to step in with a few kind words of support and a tasty treat or two in order to try and build him back up. A rich tea biscuit or a goofy smile will usually do the trick.

But if your emotionally underdeveloped child is actually an orange megalomaniac in charge of the most powerful country on the planet, it could take a bit more than a biscuit. In the case of Donald Trump, it apparently takes a testosterone-induced, televised pep rally.

That’s right. He’s only been a month on the job, and already Trump has planned himself a flashy pity party. At 5pm on Saturday afternoon demure conservatives will be corralled into an airplane hangar in Melbourne, Florida, to show the world just how much they love Donald Trump and his constantly evolving principles.

Translation: we have officially hit rock bottom.

OK, so there’s nothing terribly odd about a leader exercising a bit of pomp and circumstance in front of a few thousand fawning fanatics. That’s how politics works. But normally when the President of the United States holds a flamboyant rally, it’s to launch a major initiative or make some landmark announcement. Donald Trump hasn’t got anything new or useful to tell us – he’s just down in the dumps.

He should be down, too. The opening act of his presidency has been one train-wreck after another.

Trump’s shoddy cabinet appointments have already sparked mass protests and bipartisan fury. His so-called Muslim ban has been shot down twice in court, and the dark cloud of a seedy Russian state rains on Trump’s every parade like a golden shower that never ends. The Oval Office has already seen at least one major resignation, and voters are up in arms over Trump’s decision to silence government agencies and turn his back on proven scientific facts that don’t suit his political agenda.

We’re literally only 28 days into a four-year deal, and already Donald Trump is suffering the lowest approval rating we’ve seen in decades. The poor sod has even been accused of dragging his own cheering section from press conference to press conference and tweeting about nonexistent fans waiting for him at the roadside in a pathetic effort to show a media he clams to despise that not everybody in America thinks he’s doing a horrible job.

It’s not much, but smoke, mirrors and social media are all Trump knows. After all, he isn’t a statesman – he’s a showman. The Donald made his name building gaudy, golden hotels for the embarrassingly wealthy and slagging off Meat Loaf’s salesmanship on prime time TV. He’s got no clue what judicial reviews are or how a bill is passed through congress, and as a result, America’s loudest 70-year-old billionaire has now run smack-bang into the corner of an Ikea side table.

Like any other rambunctious toddler, Donald Trump’s gusto and fearlessness have consequently taken a big hit.

That’s why it will now rest on crestfallen conservatives and dutiful aides to hand the President a biscuit, tussle his peculiar hair and give the guy a little undeserved positive reinforcement. For a few brief moments tonight, Donald Trump will be able to climb up on stage, soak up the rented lights of a crowded air hanger and make believe he’s the most popular man on the planet.

It might not help people like you or me, and it won’t fulfil any of the guy’s outlandish campaign promises. But with any luck, this rally just might be enough to make the President feel super-smart and incredibly important – and after all, isn’t topping up Donald Trump’s self-confidence the most important issue America is currently facing?